EXTRAS

written by Alex Singer —

The curtain fell on intermission.

Jo sat back. Felix popped open his phone and started writing responses on social media.

"So?" he asked, pretending he wasn't looking at her carefully through his eyelashes, the way he had for most of the show.

"Plot's interesting," admitted Jo. There'd been enough sword fights and death to keep her decently entertained. "The principle's not very good."

"Nope."

"Why'd they let her wear those earrings? Doesn't match the costumes."

"Probably threw a fit."

"She doesn't look at the other actors."

"Very unprofessional."

"And sings everything the exact same way."

"Caught that too, huh."

"And she shoved that one backup dancer. How did she even..." Jo trailed off, considering everything she'd just said. "Show's cursed."

Felix put his legs up on the balcony rail. "Cursed as all shit. Manager comped us the tickets because he knows I've got the hookup. And he might be blowing the Snow King. I'll fact check you that later."

"Hm," said Jo. "Time for a look. Don't be disgusting."

"Ditto, darling." Felix leaned back, and leaned back, and let the shadow under his chair swallow him up like a piece of pasta.

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Felix did not, as it happened, go peeking through ladies' underthings or spy on naked dancers. He'd been in enough dressing rooms throughout his childhood he didn't find much romance in the places. Mostly women icing down their sore muscles and rubbing powder into the bits that chafed. What could be found there was gossip — and the gossip was good.

The principle's name was Erina Cuddick, and she was the absolute terror of the production. Nothing about her should have recommended her to the part, or even to the company at all. She could sing. She'd taken classes at some of the best schools — before being expelled for bad attitude.

She also stole liberally from her co-stars, yelled down the director, and tended to cry and scream hysterically when she didn't get her way. The crying and screaming caused such terrible headaches and illness in those around her it was generally understood it was better to just placate her with her way and hope for the best.

Her voice was fine enough, even if she resisted all direction of any kind. She looked imposing in costume, even if she refused anything that wasn't bright and big. All in all, it was decided it was just easier to let her go at it. They didn't have enough swings to make up for her having another screaming cry.

"Well, there's our source," agreed Jo, who did, in fact, get a chance to beat up a few would-be stalkers at the stage door. She was in a very good mood as she settled back down and brushed grit off her knuckles. "They're all obsessed with her, even if they don't actually like her. She seems to draw in both misery and company. Royal?"

"A diva wishes," laughed Felix. "No, really. Apparently she's been bragging about how she's going to be the next new Queen. Expects to get her Court summons any day now."

"Tch," said Jo. "That’s..."

"Convenient. For us, at the very least."

"At the very least."

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The actress spotted them at the stage door, gazing over the heads of the fearful appreciators nervous fawning. Her profile was powerful, like an ancient emperor. Somehow her big earrings looked even more anachronistic out of costume.

"We're with the—" began Jo.

"Court?" asked Erina, with a self satisfied quirk of her eyebrows. "That's what I thought. I've been waiting for you. You're taking me to dinner, yes? We have a lot to talk about. You'll want to treat me."

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Which is how, before they even knew it, they were at one of the fanciest restaurants around the block from the theater. Felix gave up the Court credit card without much of a fuss, and had a lot of choice things to say about the pretension of the menu. Jo didn't have much to say at all. Even if she wanted to, the actress had more to say — about how she always knew she was made for greater things, about how she's ready to go with them tonight, yes? About how lucky the Court will be to have her...

"No," said Jo.

The woman stared straight ahead, a smile frozen on her face.

"No?" she repeated, distantly, like the word was in another language. "Oh, you don't mean that."

"Think I do," said Jo, nodding a little to the woman's left. Erina brought her hand up to touch her ear. She turned very pale.

"My earrings!" she cried, very loudly, she shook the table as she started flailing about. "Where did they go? Who took them?!"

"Mr. Red Handed, how you doing," said Felix, scooting out of the shadow of the flickering candle, he didn't think anything of stepping on the nice table cloth as he pulled himself out, fist around the two large statement earrings. He peered at Jo. "Thought they weren't her type. Not yours, either."

"Too tacky," agreed Jo.

"How dare you!" rumbled Erina, emerging from her conspicuous search with a wild roar, her hair unpinned one one side. "Those are mine! Do you know who I am? You'll give those back to me, right now!"

She held out her hand imperiously. Jo and Felix exchanged glances.

"Right! Now!" said the actress, stamping her foot. Her eyes turned red. Her cheeks flushed. She took a deep breath.

"...Ooooh," said Felix. "You thought they were your powers? Sweetie, no."

The woman began to cry. Long, loud sobs that caused all the surrounding diners to suspend their cutlery. "Of course they're mine!" she wept. "I'm the next Queen! I'm going to join the Court! You're going to take me there tonight!"

"Nope. Taking these, though," said Jo, opening her handbag. Felix popped the earrings in there with the enthusiasm of someone relieving themselves of a dead rat. "We out of here?"

"Oooone sec," said Felix, and he grabbed a very nice looking wine bottle off someone else's table. "Don't worry, going on my card. Actually, put it all on. Haven't chatted with Anise from accounting in awhile, yanno?"

They left the restaurant and the actress — an absolute hysterical mess.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Eh, she'll hear from them," said Felix, as they walked away.

"Will she?" Jo looked nearly disappointed.

"Oh, yeah. Definitely. For the bill. She'll owe them. And they'll want to know how she came by a compulsion spell this useful," said Felix. "For someone with, like, negative talent to use it and all."

"Oh," said Jo. "Will they keep her?"

"Nah," said Felix, and even in his delight at seeing the egotist laid low, he couldn't take a dark joy at that particular reprieve. "Just ruin her life for a few months then dump her curbside. Check in quarterly. Ego's so big might catch something else whacky in its orbit. Think of it like a lifelong parole for the crime of being a hack... So, a different kind of court?"

"How bothersome," said Jo, distantly.

Here, Felix couldn't help but look a little amused. "Hey, she did literally ask for it."

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The next day, management announced a long term understudy.

"Don't think there’s any saving this one," admitted Jo, when she read it.

"Nah," said Felix. "Probably not."

end . . . . . . . . . . . .